These Tears I Cry
by Follow-The-Firefly
Summary: I guess my love really couldn't save you. AkuRoku rated T for character death. ONESHOT


**Disclaimer: If this really happened, I'd be misreable right now.**

**Hello! It's Xero. This took me quite a while to write. I wanted to make it perfect and I hope that I've done so. This is Axel's POV again and my regular readers will note that this is the first time I've written anything for FF WITHOUT diologue. Sweet mercy, it's the apocalypse! O.o anyway, let the deadly tale begin!**

I'm standing by your grave, Roxas. I wonder, can you hear these words I say to you? Can you see these tears I cry for you? Can you feel the way my body has been aching since you died? My heart is breaking, Roxas.

No, my heart died with you on that day.

I can't believe I didn't know you until our last year in high school. Well, I knew who you were. Everyone knew who you were. But I didn't _know_ you, you know? I wasn't really close to you, but I found myself growing closer to you with each passing day. I really didn't expect us to become as close as we did. I mean, I thought we'd be friends. Nothing more than that.

But, I'm glad that it didn't turn out that way.

I think it all started with a class project for Psychology. Yeah, that's right. We had to trace a friend's head and label the parts of the brain. I had such a hard time tracing yours because of your hair. Then again, you said the same thing about me. You ended up doing a lot of the hard work, but you never complained about it. You said you liked doing hard work, Roxas. You liked a challenge.

Fighting for your life was a challenge, but I know you hated every minute of that.

After that project, I don't really remember how we started hanging out so much. I'm being serious, Roxas. I don't remember how we got to that point.

I know I probably should remember, but I don't. And I know that makes me a horrible person, but it's the truth.

I could never lie to you, Roxas.

It was strange for me, you know? I can lie to everyone and their mother, but I just couldn't lie to you. I don't know why, but I couldn't do it.

Maybe it was your eyes. For some reason, I spent most of my time with you just staring into your eyes. There was something in them that just fascinated me and I wanted to figure out what it was.

I mean, I've never seen anyone with eyes as blue as yours, Roxas. Not even your twin, Sora, has eyes like yours. Your eyes reminded me of the sky on a cloudless day, or of the ocean. You said you had a hard time finding a colour for _my _eyes? Roxas, your eyes were an enigma.

Do you remember the day we met? I mean, the day we knew each other as Axel and Roxas and not just the random blonde kid in the hallway or that weird redhead who can't seem to live without his iPod? It was the first day of senior year. I sat next to you in Psychology, remember? I found out that you had been in my previous class, too. Chinese history, right? I remember thinking how strange of a class it was and wondering why the hell I was taking it anyway.

I'm going off topic, aren't I? You always said I did that a lot.

Anyway, you introduced yourself as Roxas, even though I thought that was your name long before we met. I mean, you _looked_ like a Roxas to me. No other name suited you. I said mine was Axel and you just stared at me kinda funny. I was wondering what you were thinking, so I asked what was up. You weren't used to me saying, "Got it memorized?" so much and you thought it was kinda weird.

Well, that's kinda why I started saying it, babe. You know I like being weird. I had to stand out from everyone else, had to be my own person.

Is that what attracted you to me? I mean, I still don't see why you fell in love with me. You always said that it was a number of things, but I never expected anyone to fall for me of all people.

Now I guess I'll never know why.

I remember one time when we were sitting in Chinese history while the teacher rambled on and on about some emperor. You started passing notes to me, since you were obviously bored with the whole pointless discussion. We started talking about how Sora was going out with Riku and how that was surprising to me because there was no way in hell that Riku was gay. I mean, the guy was on the soccer team for every year of high school! Soccer players just aren't gay! But apparently Riku had had a thing for Sora for quite some time. It was shocking to me, that's for sure. I mean, I knew Sora was gay. He told me, for Shiva's sake! I just never would've imagined that he would've had a thing for Riku.

Anyway, we continued passing notes before Barrett-sensei spotted us and told us off. I got a week's worth of lunch detentions for that, remember? You felt really guilty about that, but I didn't care.

Roxas, do you remember when you told me that you were gay? I couldn't really believe you. I mean, you didn't _look_ like you were into other guys. But I guess it kind of made sense, what with Sora having Riku and all. Needless to say it surprised me. But looking back on it now, I appreciate the fact you told me when you did.

If you hadn't told me, there could've been a lot of things left unsaid.

We were just friends for a while, weren't we? It took me a while to realize that my feelings for you were a lot deeper than they appeared to be. My surface actions covered what emotions were lurking underneath.

I know you noticed, babe. You started acting differently, too. You didn't do some of the things you usually did when you were around me. And I know you noticed that I didn't do what I usually did when I was around you, too.

The truth is you were making me nervous, Roxas. It never used to be like that, but all of a sudden I found myself tense up whenever you were around. The little things that used to be nothing suddenly got my heart racing. I didn't know what was happening to me and quite honestly, it scared me a little.

Then I found out why I got so nervous around you. I discovered why I flinched whenever you touched me, why my stomach suddenly did back flips whenever you were around me, why my heart would race whenever I looked into your eyes.

I was in love with you.

Can you imagine how I felt when I realized that I'd fallen for you, Roxas? I was more confused than I'd ever been in my entire life. For one thing, I'd never felt this way about anyone, much less a guy. Despite how often I told you, I've never gone out with anyone before you, honey. I know you found it hard to believe, but I was telling you the truth.

The next problem arose soon after I found out I'd fallen for you: what was I supposed to do? I didn't think you'd fall for a guy like me. Really, why would you? I mean, there was a reason why girls hadn't asked me out. I was just too weird for most of them. If I couldn't get a girl to like me, then how in hell could I hope to have you as a boyfriend?

You certainly surprised me when you asked me out. I seriously thought you were joking, but I knew that you weren't when I looked into your eyes. That was all it took to know that you weren't lying to me.

It seemed too good to be true, you know? I'd finally found someone that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with and I find out that you felt the same way about me. There had to be a catch, right?

But there was no catch. You'd fallen for me and I'd fallen for you. It was as simple as that.

So we started going out, much to my surprise. It was awkward at first, I'll admit. I'd never gone out with anyone before, so I was new to the experience. You told me that I was your first, too, so it would be a learning experience for the both of us.

Just so you know, Roxas, I had an amazing time being your boyfriend. And I hope that you had as good a time being mine.

Everything seemed to be going well. Exceedingly well, even. We told everyone that we were going out, which certainly surprised Riku and Sora.

I don't know why Sora would be surprised. He had to know that you were gay, right? I mean, he was your twin. How could he not know that you were into guys?

We'd been going out for a few months when I noticed something was wrong. You started acting strangely, but not in the way that made me feel that you wanted to break up with me. You got sick more often than you usually did and you just _looked _sick all the time. You told Sora that you thought something was wrong, so he took you to get it checked out.

You had cancer, Roxas.

I couldn't believe it when you told me. How could you have cancer? You were fine just weeks before you started getting sick.

The worst part was that you didn't have the good kind of cancer, not that there is one. The doctors had no idea how long you had to live.

But maybe it was better for me that way. I wouldn't have to count down the days you had to live. It was uncertain, but at least I knew that your death wasn't set in stone.

You couldn't believe the results, either. I mean, no one wants to hear that they have cancer. You tried so hard not to cry when you told me, probably so you wouldn't freak me out. I just held you as you cried and told me everything.

The chemo started a few days after you found out. Sora and I had worked out a sort of deal: he'd take you to the treatments and I'd pick you up and bring you to my house for a bit. We never really did anything, though. You always felt sick after the treatment, but you told me that you felt better being with me. I'd offered to take you home one time, but you didn't want Sora to see you so sick like that.

I could definitely tell that you weren't getting any better after a few rounds of chemo. Sora had told me that the sessions would leave you feeling weak and tired for a while, so I had prepared myself for that. You didn't feel like doing much besides play video games. It was a great way to take our minds off of things, though.

Even though you were still going through chemo, you walked across the stage at graduation. You didn't take part in the post-graduation parties like everyone else and I didn't either. I'd planned on going to a party or two, but that was before you got sick.

I didn't want you to be alone, Roxas.

Just after graduation, I told my parents that I was going to the community college instead of the fancy university they wanted me to attend. Naturally, they were alarmed by my choice and demanded to know why I had made a change in schools. I needed to be with you, Roxas. You were suffering and really, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I left you when you really needed me?

Of course my parents felt that being with you in your time of need was absolutely ridiculous. But they didn't know how much you meant to me. They demanded to know why I cared so much about you, since you'd become such a huge part of my life just months before. Yeah, I told them, babe, but what else could I do? They would've found out that you were my boyfriend eventually.

I'd had a huge fight with them after that. My parents aren't as understanding as yours, Roxas. I told them that there was no way that I'd let you suffer on your own. You clearly needed me and I was going to be there, just like I'd promised.

They eventually realized that nothing they said would change my mind, so they decided to give up the fight. This way, I could focus on more important things, like getting you to your treatments.

Your last chemo session was scheduled for the first day of senior week. I know you and I had planned on going to the beach together, but we couldn't go. Your getting better was much more important than a trip to the beach.

I didn't go with you to the doctor's to find out if you were okay, but I was thinking about you the whole time. I just sat on my bed, staring at the walls, hoping that you'd be okay.

I remember when you called me to tell me the news. The last round of chemo hadn't done much for the cancer. The doctors had recommended another round of chemo to see if the malignant cells were just too stubborn to be effected by the first round of treatment.

You didn't want another round of chemo, though. I can't say I blame you, Roxas. If the first round did nothing, what's to say that the next round would? Or the round after that? You wanted to end things on your own terms.

But in the end, you went for another round of chemo, much to Sora's relief. He didn't want to see you give up the fight just yet. Not when you still stood a chance. So you went to the treatments, even though you hated going to them.

The treatments started to take even more of your energy the second time than the first session did. You fell down a lot more than you used to, but I could see you were trying so hard to beat the disease inside you. You got sick more often, too, but we'd both been expecting that. I started to spend the night at your house at least a few nights every week, just to make sure you were okay.

And then you died. Just like that.

No one had seen it coming, even though I should have. I was with you the most besides Sora. I should have been able to tell that you were going to end it.

I guess you'd finally had enough. You were tired of the malevolent cells inside of you that were destroying your body. You didn't want to deal with the disease anymore. You wanted everything to end.

You wanted salvation.

I don't think I'll ever forget the day you died, Roxas. It's just one of those things that will always be ingrained in my mind, no matter how hard I try to forget it.

I'd gone over to your house so we could play some video games, remember? I had gotten a new game for the GameCube and you wanted to play it. When I walked inside, I found Sora and Riku watching TV in the living room. Sora told me that you were up in your room playing something on your DS. I just went upstairs, not thinking of what I would find.

I found it unusual that you didn't respond when I told you I was there. You were always happy to see me. When I didn't hear anything in your room, I went inside.

You were lying on the floor, with your eyes closed. I thought you'd just fallen down again and had fallen asleep without getting up. But I knew that something was wrong when you did nothing after I tried to wake you up.

Then I saw the bottle of painkillers in your hand and I knew what you had done.

I yelled for Sora to call for an ambulance. Riku ran into the room a few seconds later to see what was going on while I checked for a pulse. Even after searching for a few minutes, I couldn't find one. You weren't breathing, either, which instantly confirmed what I had feared: you'd killed yourself.

I just couldn't believe it. You couldn't be dead, Roxas. You just couldn't be. There was no way that you'd die and leave me behind.

Then I realized what the cancer had been doing to you, how it made you feel, and I understood. You'd wanted to end things on your own terms. You wanted all the agony to end.

You'd written two suicide notes, remember? One for your family and one for me. You mentioned a few things in both of them: how much you'd miss us and that you wished things could have turned out differently.

Mine was different, though. You told me that you didn't want me to live without you, since you knew how much you meant to me, but there was nothing else you could do. You told me that you'd love me even after you died and that you hoped that I'd feel the same way about you.

Roxas, you know that song from Avenged Sevenfold? _Almost Easy_, remember? It was the song that we used to dance to all the time when my parents weren't around. That song didn't used to mean anything to me, but now I really understand the meaning. One line in particular will always make me think of you, Roxas. _Now that I've lost you, it kills me to say I tried to hold on as you slowly slipped away_.

That's how it felt for me, Roxas. I had a horrible feeling that you wouldn't make it, even though I wanted you to survive more than you'll ever know. And when I found you on your bedroom floor, I knew that everything I'd known, everything I'd come to love, was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Your death changed so many things, Roxas. My life seemed so empty without you. I couldn't go in your room since your death. It was the room where you'd died and it just didn't feel right to go in it anymore.

Remember _Cyanide Sun_, babe? That was your favourite song, right? You used to love it when I played it on the guitar for you. A few days after you died, I was listening to my iPod when it came up. I tried to listen to it, but I just couldn't. I'll never be able to listen to it without thinking of you.

Roxas, do you remember when you taught me that song on the piano? Something from _Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings_. I think it's called _Theme of Love_ or something like that. It took me forever to learn, right? After you died, I found myself at the piano playing that song. I know it sounds weird, but when I played it, I felt like you were still there, Roxas. I guess that's how I came to eventually accept the fact that you'd died and that you weren't coming back.

Your funeral was horrible for me, Roxas. I didn't want to admit that you were dead! How was I supposed to go to your funeral? But I was your boyfriend, so I went, even though I knew that I'd be miserable.

I told myself that I wouldn't cry. I was upset that you'd died, of course. You'd have to be some kind of monster to not be depressed when your boyfriend's died.

I didn't even realize that I was crying, though. Sora was up at the podium, telling everyone what a good brother you were to him. He'd written a lot of things to say about you, Roxas, but he couldn't finish them. I guess I finally broke down when Sora lost it. You know it takes a lot to make Sora cry, babe.

We went to the cemetery soon after Sora finished speaking. I didn't like the fact that you were going to be buried in the ground, but I couldn't do anything about it. And it wasn't like I could bring you back to life, Roxas.

After everyone else left, I stayed behind. I felt like I had to say a proper goodbye, you know? It took me a while to get going, but then I started to talk to you. I know you probably couldn't hear me, but I guess I needed to let you know what I was thinking. I needed you to know how much your death had affected me.

And now I'm here again, babe. It's been exactly a year since you died. I told myself that I'd come back every year on this day to see you. Do you even know I'm here, Roxas? Can you tell that I'm here to see you at your grave?

Even though it's been a year, I still feel like you've just died. The feelings of misery and depression have never gone away. Some days are better than others, but they've never truly left me. I can't stop these tears I cry for you.

Even though you're not with us, life has somehow managed to move on. I want you to know, Roxas, that Sora and Riku are engaged now. I know Sora wanted to tell you in person, but he and Riku had some sort of business with his parents and he told me that I could tell you.

I still miss you more than words can say. I hope you're doing okay and that you've been able to move on, even though I haven't. I still wish you were here with me and that hadn't died. Dying from cancer at seventeen is a really crappy way to die, isn't it?

But even if you hadn't killed yourself, would you have made it? Would you have been one of the lucky ones who had survived the disease? I guess now we'll never know. When this first started, I thought you could make it, Roxas.

But as time went on, I could tell that the cancer was taking its toll on you. You just didn't get any better. After a while, I guess I knew that it wasn't going to end well, no matter how much I wanted you to live.

Roxas, I know it's pointless to wish that you hadn't died, but I still can't help thinking that. I can't help thinking what might've been if you were still with me today. And I don't think I can ever stop these tears I cry.

**It's so depressing, i know. But is anything of mine cheerful? This was written for 8-13, which is today. ^_^ hope it was a good read and didn't depress people too much. reviews equal love! thanks for reading!**


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